Once again....

ha, just got caught again.... but this time it was waaay worse. I snuck out with my dad's car to go across town, and I come back home forgetting what I had put in the trunk... a half case of beer, and a huge ass bong. My dad set his hands on me... again... i threatened to call the cops.. again... and now things are quiet. I tried running away, but this time with shit packed as if I were to never come back....
my mom found me walking on a major street... which was a dumbass move of me. FUCK!
i don't know what to do.... I want to grow up and make bank, and be somebody... but I want to live my life as well. I don't want to be living the life my parents want me to live. I'm sick of this shit.... I want to run but then again how am i going to survive? and I know my mom is already depressed.. me leaving might end her life... idkidkdidkdidkdidkdidkdk..... someone help me.. because i already prayed to "god" and he never answered.

It's been too long.

So I haven't been on here in a long ass time.... I've been caught up with so many thingsss it's crazy. Life is hectic as usual... My days are pretty much spent with constant yelling, and monotonous conversations about how I'm a failure to my parents eyes. I've been getting in a lot of trouble lately.... I got caught smoking herb, cigarettes, sneaking out to a motel, and the list goes on. Ever since... I don't feel very welcome in my house. My parents are trying to let everything go, but shit like that stays with you for a long ass time. I feel like I'm living a lie... I'm everything my parents don't want me to be. I feel like running away from my problems... but where can I go? I'm not depressed, or have any psychological problems... I'm just stuck. I need to go somewhere where I can just be me. Somewhere I can just breath and live without having to worry about living up to someone's expectations. I want to be free. No one understands what it's like, no matter how much I explain. The constant stress I have everyday is slowly killing me inside. When is it going to end? I really don't know, but I can't wait for that day.... I put on a fake smile every morning so my little brothers don't have to see what I'm going through. I'd give my life for them. They are the only reason that I'm still living here. I don't know what I would do knowing that my brothers are wondering where their sissy is.... I'm not going to leave because I'm going to protect them. I'm going to make sure they don't ever have to go through what I did. Not even the deepest wound will make me leave their side.... I'm scared, I'm lost, and I need someone's help... but it seems like all lifelines are gone.